Bum Reviews: Spirited Away
by Charles Xavier
Summary: Title says it all. Chester A. Bum reviews one of Hayao Miyazaki's grand masterpieces.


Author's Note: SA belongs to Studio Ghibli and Chester A. Bum belongs to Douglas Walker (aka That Guy with the Glasses) respectfully. No profit is being made out of this work.

…

_And now it's time for Bum Reviews with Chester A. Bum._

_Tonight's review:_

_**Spirited Away**_

…

"OH MY GOD! THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!"

"I smell SPOILERS!"

"There's this girl, called Cheerios, who's really bored and loves to moan to her parents in the car."

"_Are we there yet?"_

"_No."_

"_Are we there yet?"_

"_No."_

"_Are we there yet?"_

"_No, we're lost."_

"_Whoopee."_

"So they find this abandoned fun park, where grown-ups go binge eating and turn into giant pigs!"

"I was turned into a pig once…well, I got better. Though I do find myself rolling in mud sometimes. That, and Jews are still afraid to eat me."

"Pff…amateurs."

"And Cheerios meets this kid who looks like a reject from the Beatles, and his name is Haku."

"Gesundheit."

"Thank you."

"And Haku's like-"

"_Get out of here before the random spirits come!"_

"_Why?"_

"_Crap! They're here already. You run while I distract them with my minty air-freshening ice breath!"_

"Wow, I didn't know Japanese kids had icy breath! No wonder they don't celebrate Christmas; they can have it every day with all their wonderful snow and ice! We don't need Santa or Frosty or that bearded guy who people say Christmas is really all about."

"Who's with me?"

The Bum rolled his eyes around the room, only to be greeted with silence. "Hmmm…must be a culture gap. It's a very Bummy joke."

"So Cheerios tries to run away, but gets stopped by…a river!"

"DUN DUN DUUUUN!"

The Bum paused for a moment. "Yes, of course! She can't escape because she can't swim!" The Bum paused for another moment in thought. "Wait, you're telling me kids in Japan have icy breath but they CAN'T SWIM? And now I bet you're gonna tell me that they're afraid of water."

"HA! As if."

"Would you like a bottle of Evian, sir?"

"AAAHHH!" The Bum ran off-screen, waving his arms and screaming like a ten-year-old girl.

"So Cheerios goes to this HUGE bathhouse to hide, and she meets this old lady with a HUGE head, called Yubaba, and she looks exactly like the Queen of Hearts from 'Alice in Wonderland', except she's REALLY old!"

"See, villains don't die. They just retire and open up a spa in the middle of nowhere. That's what all villains should do; open a spa and health club! How come Sauron never converted the two towers into two spas? He would have made a great fortune that way!"

"Who needs a stupid ring when you've got money?"

"KA-CHING!"

"So Yubaba changes Cheerios' name and makes her a slave forever!"

"I had my name changed once…twice even! I used to be called Lao-Tzu in China, and that caused a lot of confusion. People actually worshiped me! But you don't want to know my other name in the Middle East. Let's just say I made a lot of Muslims very unhappy. In fact, now that I think about it, they were friggin' pissed off!"

"Wait, I was in China and the Middle East?"

"Who knew?"

"So Cheerios is sweeping the floors and helping the other workers in the bathhouse, when she sees this masked blob monster out in the rain. And she leaves the door open to let him in."

"I think Cheerios did the right thing…let inside a complete stranger. Tell that to all the boys and girls; if you see a stranger standing outside your home, just slide open the door and let him in! It's completely safe!"

"Besides, nothing bad ever happened to Madeleine McCann…right?"

"So Cheerios is assigned to take care of this spirit that looks like a genetically overweight turd!"

"The splodgy type."

"It's as if Slimer and Nikki Blonsky had a child together!"

"After a smelly job, the spirit flies away and rewards her with a…jawbreaker?"

"THIS IS BULL CRAP! This poor girl breaks her back for these lazy assholes and after so much painful work, all she gets is one…juicy…jawbreaker?"

"Sign me up!"

"I used to get all kinds of yummy jawbreakers at Chuck E. Cheese's for free! Well actually, I stole them, but don't tell Chuck E. Cheese or else I'll be sleeping with the anchovy pizzas."

"Eww…"

"The next day, Cheerios is leaning on the balcony, when she sees this flying dragon being chased by a thousand paper airplanes! And she's like-"

"_Hey, it's Haku!"_

"_Gesundheit."_

"_Thank you."_

"Wait…so Haku's the flying dragon?" The Bum scratched his head in confusion. "Oh of course, it makes perfect sense now! He's a shape shifter! First, he was a Beatle and now he's a flying mystical dragon! I'm totally serious! And I bet you any minute now, he'll turn into Chuck Norris!"

_(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: A-CHUCK A-NORRIIIIIS!)_

"Eh, maybe not."

"So Cheerios gives Haku her jawbreaker and lifts away the curse that was placed on him!"

"HOORAY!"

"But meanwhile, the masked blob monster from last night is eating up all the food in the bathhouse and throwing out golden McChicken nuggets that everybody wants."

"I had golden McChicken nuggets once! But they were gone in five seconds. Hey, you can't blame a hungry guy."

"So the blob monster grows an appetite so big that he starts scaring all the workers by eating them alive!"

"Now I know what was eating Gilbert Grape."

"And Cheerios is like-"

"_Here, eat this jawbreaker."_

"And the blob monster regurgitates everybody out and becomes thin again! Who thought jawbreakers could help you lose weight? The only things they help me lose are my teeth!"

"So the blob monster follows Cheerios to this train filled with all these faceless shadow men. It's like the animators grew tired of drawing characters' faces, so they didn't draw anything!"

"How much more ingenious can you get?"

"Then Cheerios and the blob monster arrive at this old witch's house, who turns out to be the twin sister of Yubaba, and her name is Zeniba."

"Zeniba? Sounds like a clothing store my sister used to drag me to! I encourage all viewers to go shop for Zeniba jeans! Get 'em while they last, now at half price! Everything must go!"

"So Zeniba gives Cheerios this magic hair band and then this other guest arrives at the house and Cheerios goes out to see who it is. And she's like-"

"_Haku!"_

"_Gesundheit."_

"_Thank you."_

"Then Cheerios takes a ride on Haku in the moonlight, and Cheerios has this weird flashback and she finally tells Haku his real name!"

"I had a real name once! It was Lawrence of Arabia."

"So Haku turns back into a Beatle and they're FALLING!"

"Imagine all the people…falling to their deaths." The Bum sang.

"But it turns out that Haku can still fly…like Peter Pan! And they end up back at the HUGE bathhouse, where Yubaba's gathered all these giant pigs together and she's like-"

"_Find your parents and I will let you go."_

"_Really?"_

"_Yes, but you only get one try."_

"_It's none of them."_

"_Is that really your…WHAAA?"_

"She guessed right! And everybody's cheering and waving, it's all so happy and clappy! And in the end, Haku guides Cheerios back to her parents saying goodbye, and they drive happily away in their car, while Cheerios is still looking back through her window, thinking-"

"_Dude, what have I been smoking all this time?"_

The Bum began to sulk, wiping a tear from his eye and blowing his nose with his stained jacket.

"I found this movie very heart warming, and it pulled my heartstrings so much that I want to give myself a BIG hug!"

"Come here." The Bum turned his back, embracing himself in tears. "I love you so much. Let's not fight ever again!"

"So after having learned that kids in Japan celebrate Christmas every day, are obsessed with the Beatles, turn into dragons, fly like Peter Pan…and the fact that turds give out candy…what else has this movie taught me?"

"Simple…never spend more than 20 bucks on a DVD. I just end up eating it."

"Okay, I eat the money too."

"Tastes like paprika."

"This is Chester A. Bum saying...CHANGE! YOU GOT CHANGE? AW, COME ON! HELP A GUY OUT, WILL YA? COME ON, CHANGE!"

**Seriously though, 'Spirited Away' was brilliant and very original.**

"At least help me get to Nashville, where I'm going to change my name to Willie Nelson."


End file.
